It’s our National Anthem, you douche bags

It’s bad enough that unimaginative advertising agencies keep dredging up dead celebrities and old pop songs to help peddle their clients’ goods. But when “The Star-Spangled Banner” becomes the theme music to sell us an overhyped soft drink, that’s going too far. Really, it is.

If by some magic, or lack of paying your cable bill, you haven’t seen this abomination, here it is. (Note: I don’t have any trouble with the Jimi Hendrix version of the song; it’s the whole idea that appalls me.)

Gas price war!

This set of gasoline prices on opposite sides of Route 9 in Columbia County, NY, is causing a lot of brake-stomping, neck-swiveling and jaw-dropping.

All for naught, however.

The lower prices are posted on the marquee of a gas station that has been closed for months.

Actually, the prices shown on the blowup at right of the Sunoco station reflect what amounts to a bargain in that part of the country these days.

Sorry about that.

Read all about it! (for a price)

LEDYARD, CT — As she flipped through the “complimentary” copy of The Providence Journal left at the door of our guest room at the Foxwoods Resort & Casino, my wife shared with me what she considered the hottest story in the newspaper.

“Look at that sticker,” she said, pointing to a square piece of paper attached to the front of the third section. “I thought this paper was supposed to be complimentary for guests.”

The note informed us:

“A copy of the Providence Journal is included with your stay. If you do not wish to receive the newspaper, please contact the front desk for a $.13 refund daily, or a $.50 refund on Sunday.”

Regretably, this is a legitimate gimmick, although a cheesey one. It does nothing to benefit the consumer who is placed in the position of first ascertaining that he or she is being unexpectedly charged for something then having to take action to change the situation or end up footing the bill, small though it is.

Under the industry’s Audit Bureau of Circulations rules, newspapers can sell bulk batches of their product at half-price and still count them as individually full-paid circulation.

What this boils down to, dear traveler, is that this 50-cent newspaper actually went for only a quarter to the Indian casino hotel, and it passed along more than 50% of its discounted price to its guests. Human nature being what it is, they no doubt figured, correctly, that few people would ever ask for their 13 cents back. So, it was a great deal for the newspaper and the resort.

Just a tip for one more thing to keep an eye on during your travels.

Hilton’s new image is golden

First it was ’60s movie sex siren Mamie Van Doren coming out of retirement to bare it all for a new line of wines bearing her image. Now, as if to show that the younger generation can take a marketing hint, celebutart Paris Hilton is showing up in the nude to push her new canned wine brand.

In a sense, she’s not strictly nude. She is covered in gold paint, as you can see.

The wine in a can, called Rich Prosecco, comes in original, passion fruit and strawberry flavors. It will make its European debut this week, and be introduced to the U.S. soon after the first of the year.

This follows Hilton’s other products, including perfume, shoes, jewelery and handbags as well as the occasional film or pop album.

While she and her people may know a thing or two about marketing her, they’re not terribly original about how they do it. English actress Shirley Eaton beat them to the gold gimmick as an ill-fated James Bond girl back in ‘64.

A Rx for laughter

TV ads for various medicines, the kind that are murky about what they’re meant to treat, often wind up being lengthy lists of side effects. The same might be said of, oh, maybe tequila. At least that’s what you get on this site.