A world view? Don’t bank on it

See those two banknotes? The top one is a 10-pound British note, the bottom one a 10-pound Scottish note. They have been legitimate currency around the world since long before the United States was even an idea.

As of the close of business Friday, each of them was worth $19.7920 in U.S. currency. It took me less than 30 seconds online to ascertain that rate of exchange. It took me only a little more than that to thoroughly confuse three naive employees of the Pioneer Savings Bank’s Brunswick, NY, branch office where I do a lot of business.

Perhaps I should say “did” a lot of business. After the rank ineptitude and dismissive attitude I witnessed, I’m seriously considering taking my business elsewhere.

The situation was simply this. I had five 10-pound notes left over from a recent trip to Scotland. That means I had roughly $100 worth of U.S. money tied up in banknotes I couldn’t spend locally. So, I went to a bank to exchange the notes for good ol’ Yankee greenbacks.

The first teller literally pulled back her hand when I presented the UK notes, as if I had tossed her a red-hot charcoal briquette.

“I don’t know what to do with these,” she stammered.

“Simple,” I said. “Just look up the current rate of exchange and I’ll see if I want to trade the notes today or wait till the rate is a little more in my favor.”

Not a bad plan, I thought, since the exchange rate was 2.06 U.S. dollars for each British/Scottish pound last week when I got the notes in the Royal Bank of Scotland in Edinburgh — without the slightest problem, I should add.

“I don’t know how,” she said, gesturing in a panicky fashion to a young man I took to be an assistant manager of some sort, although throughout my visit he never introduced himself or his title.

“Oh, we can’t access that kind of information on these screens,” he said, gesturing to the teller’s screen and starting to walk away.

“May I suggest you try a computer with Internet access?” I said. “I know you have them here. It only takes a few seconds to get the current exchange rate.”

He hemmed and hawed, then pointed in the direction of someone at another window. “She’ll have to do this when she’s finished with what she’s doing,” he said rather brusquely, then made a success of retreating to a small office across the lobby. “I have another customer I’m taking care of.”

“She” was finished in about three minutes with whatever business she was transacting, then turned to me and asked how she could help.

“I merely want to exchange these five banknotes for U.S. currency. One is a 10-pound British note, and the other four are each 10-pound Scottish notes. But they’re all worth the same amount,” I explained, wondering why in the world I had to explain something so basic to supposed banking professionals.

She picked up the notes I’d spread on her little teller window ledge and walked to the office where the presumed manager of the moment had scurried. She waited at the doorway for about five minutes till he had completed his business with the other customer. I stood right behind her.

She walked in, put the notes on his desk and said to him, “I don’t know what to do with these things. Are they checks, or what?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “We can’t do anything with these anyway.”

That was it for me. I walked in the office and, mustering up all the remaining patience I possessed, said, “They’re called money. They’re not checks, for heaven’s sake. Just look at them. All I want is to exchange them back into U.S. currency. And all you have to do is look on the Internet at the currency exchange rate to know how much to give me.”

“We can’t do that,” he said, beginning to sound more miffed than befuddled.

“Why not?” I replied. “This is a bank. You’re supposed to, among other things, change money. Any bank in Europe does it for any currency. It’s elementary banking.”

“Oh, sure,” he said with an “Aha!” look. “In Europe. But we’re not allowed to do that here. What would we do with the foreign money you gave us?”

“You’d send it to your main office, and they’d exchange it at a favorable rate with a central bank,” I said. “You mean to tell me you’ve never been taught how to make such a basic transaction?”

“Well, we just can’t do that,” he said, metaphorically — and perhaps actually, although I couldn’t see under his desk — digging in his heels. “You’ll have to go to some other bank.”

So, I went home, seething and marveling at just one more example of U.S. insulation from the rest of the real world and wondering if that ever will change.

It’s no wonder so many people in other countries think we’re such rubes. Many of us are. And Pioneer Savings Bank has a whole cluster of them.

Read all about it! (for a price)

LEDYARD, CT — As she flipped through the “complimentary” copy of The Providence Journal left at the door of our guest room at the Foxwoods Resort & Casino, my wife shared with me what she considered the hottest story in the newspaper.

“Look at that sticker,” she said, pointing to a square piece of paper attached to the front of the third section. “I thought this paper was supposed to be complimentary for guests.”

The note informed us:

“A copy of the Providence Journal is included with your stay. If you do not wish to receive the newspaper, please contact the front desk for a $.13 refund daily, or a $.50 refund on Sunday.”

Regretably, this is a legitimate gimmick, although a cheesey one. It does nothing to benefit the consumer who is placed in the position of first ascertaining that he or she is being unexpectedly charged for something then having to take action to change the situation or end up footing the bill, small though it is.

Under the industry’s Audit Bureau of Circulations rules, newspapers can sell bulk batches of their product at half-price and still count them as individually full-paid circulation.

What this boils down to, dear traveler, is that this 50-cent newspaper actually went for only a quarter to the Indian casino hotel, and it passed along more than 50% of its discounted price to its guests. Human nature being what it is, they no doubt figured, correctly, that few people would ever ask for their 13 cents back. So, it was a great deal for the newspaper and the resort.

Just a tip for one more thing to keep an eye on during your travels.

Low times in the Highlands

ABERDEENSHIRE, Scotland — Here I am, traveling in the Highlands of Scotland, where life seems to move at a snail’s pace, history is apparent all around you, and the place looks rock solid.

Literally, since nearly every structure is made of granite blocks or stone and their longevity morphs from one century to the next with little apparent difference.

Yet all the newspapers are dwelling heavily on only three topics:

1. How silly British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is being made to look because of a tell-all book from ex-PM Tony Blair’s oputspoken wife, Cherie, who (shock and awe!) doesn’t care for Gordon.

2. How rocky the financial situation is “north of the border,” which means Scotland itself where housing prices are skyrocketing, inflation is rising at a faster rate (3.5%) than anywhere else in the United Kingdom (which includes England, Wales and Northern Ireland), and unemployment is on the rise.

3. How bad the alcohol abuse is getting, a particular problem in a country where more than 40,000 people out of a total population of barely 5 million rely on the whisky industry for jobs — and that is not including people in the retail business of selling the stuff.

Some of the solutions that are being suggested from various corners are as hysterical as the incessant reporting on them, except for the Gordon Brown thing which is great theater for the masses who love seeing the balloons of the high and mighty pricked sharply.

For the alcohol problem, the suggestions range from raising the drinking age beyond 21 to raising prices (even though Scotch whisky costs much more in Scotland than it does abroad, due to the regressive taxing policies) or even making public intoxication a higher crime.

As to the financial situation, the ideas range from strict price controls to more restrictive bank loan policies (they have the same problem with sub-prime mortgages we in the U.S. have), although no one wants to officially put forth a comprehensive plan for fear of commiting political suicide.

Oh, there has been one other item in the news. The idea of Scottish independence.

Of course, that one has been rattling around since the 18th Century, when the anti-English rebellion in support of Bonnie Prince Charlie fizzled out after a hideous defeat at Culloden on April 16, 1746. A battle that lasted less than an hour killed 1,500 Highlanders vs. a mere 50 or so English regulars. It effectively broke the back of the Jacobite movement, leading to the banning of such ethnic staples as the playing of the bagpipes and the wearing of the kilts and tartans.

Now there are calls from Sean Connery from the comfort of his homes abroad and other nationalists still residing in Scotland to push forward with a vote on splitting off from the U.K.

As an outsider, I have perhaps a more measured reaction to the idea than someone who is emotionally invested. I think it’s ridiculous. Given all the hoo-haw of financial woes and a bleak outlook for years to come, the last thing that would be needed is trying to establish a truly independent country.

Evidence? Take Scotland’s currency. The Scottish pound is issued by the government, but it also is issued by two different banks. Money from all three sources can be spent anywhere in Scotland, but only those issued by the government are worth anything outside the borders. If they can’t get their act together on a simplified, unified currency recognized worldwide, imagine the problems of being a soveriegn nation with financial woes trying to be trusted financially in a global economy.

Nice, Tata

If you have enough money you can buy more than a Jaguar or a Land Rover. You can buy the companies.

Tata Motors, an Indian company, apparently is the winning bidder for the marques Ford Motor Co. is looking to sell off so it can concentrate on its troubled American brands.

Mahindra & Mahindra, another Indian car group, and One Equity, an American buyout group, are the other big players in the drama.

Tata plans to have a lot of money when it rolls out its $2,400 “People’s Car” next year. The last time someone came up with a “People’s Car,” it was a certain A. Hitler and his Volkswagen. It was one of the few plans he had that worked out.

Dentopodiatry plague spreads

What, you’ve never heard of Dentopodiatry Syndrome? Laypersons call it “Foot-in-Mouth Disease.”

The latest batch of carbon-based lifeforms to come down with a bad case of it are the resident panel on Fox Business News’s “Money for Breakfast” financial gabfest.

This is a great case against instant analysis, geographic ignorance, and waving off reality as if it were a joke. Get a look at the video here.